As time goes by...

Dear Nanny,
            It's true if I say that I miss you. But that would be an understatement. Because the feelings I have are more than a simple 'miss'. So much more. It hurt so much when you were cruelly taken from us. And it still hurts every birthday and every anniversary. Time has gone so quickly, and the saying 'time can heal everything' is a load of cow poo. Because time cannot heal anything. Yeah it may make the situation form a normality and a sense of reality. But it in no way shape or form eases the pain. It doesn't numb, pause or even eradicate anything. It doesn't even soften it. It just does nothing. Because Nanny, I still miss you, and it still hurts. Not physically, I have no physical wounds to show for it, it's all emotional. It still kills me. If I could turn back time, I would relive every moment spent with you, and savour it much more than I did. Because if I knew how quickly you would be taken from me, I would've spent more time with you.

I can't really say your death was a surprise, we all saw it coming. But just because it wasn't surprising doesn't mean it hurt less. I remember it was a bank holiday. It was the 7th May 2007. And I know it was a bank holiday because Mum and Dad were both off work, but that is besides the point. Anyway... we had been to town, we got home and there was an answer phone message. Mum played it while Dad was busy getting the bags from the car. She listened to it, as did myself and Katie, and then she rushed to get Dad. It was Grandma Cole, you'd had a stroke and had been rushed to hospital.

Dad dropped me and Katie off at Grandma Buttriss's house whilst they went to the hospital. They spent hours at your bedside Nanny, that's how much they cared. Dad rang me and told me you were in a bad state. He told me to prepare myself for the worst, because the situation wasn't looking good. He came home with Mum and I could tell he was well and truly shaken up from it. I remember asking Mum if I could go see you, but she told me that her and Dad wanted our memories of you to be when you were happy and lively, not weak and vulnerable in a hospital bed. I respect Mum for that. She had good incentive.

The next two days passed. Grandma B looked after us, whilst Mum and Dad went to see you. Then it happened...

Thursday 10th May 2007. This date and specific time that the bombshell was dropped is engraved on my brain like a tattoo to skin. The phone rang at about 12.30am. I went to the toilet. There was silence as Mum answered the phone. I stood in the doorway of their room and saw my Dad in tears on his bed. I then started crying. No words were said. I just knew. All I remember from the rest of the night is Nanny Marshall coming over and looking after me and Katie while Dad and Mum went to see you. Dad needed all the support he could get, and Mum was there to give it to him.

I remember that time period so clearly. Like looking through a newly washed mirror. They say the eyes are windows to the soul. So look in my eyes, have a look and see. I was only 11 years old, you were 98 when you passed away. You were an old lady, but you had so much life left in you. I was always saying to Mum, "Nanny will live to be 100, she'll get something from the Queen!" Sadly that never happened...

I still miss you Nanny, I remember your smile and the way you made Dad happy when we came over. When we go to visit Melda we still call it Nan's house. Your room is still the same too. Nothing changed. It's like you're still there. If only you were eh?

I just want you back Nanny, I'm at a place where I could just use a hug from you. But I suppose the satisfaction of knowing you are watching over me is all I can get. I hope you're proud, and I intend to make you prouder by passing my GCSE's. I hope you'll forgive me for all the stupid mistakes I've made, all the mean things I have said, and all the bad I have done. Just remember, you know the real me, I'm not a bad person. You know why? Because I want to be like you. And you weren't a bad person. You were amazing, there wasn't a single bad bone in your frail body. I hope I live a long life. I hope I inspire my Great GrandChildren to make the most of life. I hope I'm pretty. I hope I make people happy. I hope I'm the GrandChild you always wanted. Because Nanny, you're the GreatestGreatNan that ever walked this messed up earth.

You tell me?

Ultimate questions. Questions that can never be answered. The unanswerable. But what is an example of an ultimate question? How was the world created? What's death like? Are they all ultimate questions? But what about a question as simple as, does he love me? What is the meaning of life? Should I have eaten that biscuit? Can they not be classed as the unanswerable too? Or are they just questions that have no meaning or matter at all?

Or is every question an ultimate  question?