your tears don't fall. they crash around me.

Dear Little Sister.

You'll never read this, because I won't let you. But I'm going to write it anyway.

I know you're going through the stages of 'puberty' as it is put. But it doesn't give you the right to go around treating people the way you do. I know I went through the same stage as you. But havn't you heard mum say? She says that I was never as bad as you. And you know why? Because I was never violent. I never imitated what my sister said to me. And to some extent I listened. Me and Mum  would argue, and then we'd sit down and chat. Those chats brought us closer together. But you know what? You don't do that. You scream. You shout. You stomp. And you bring on the waterworks. And then you complain that everyone is always yelling at you. It's because of you. You don't even see it do you? You don't even see just how much you upset us do you?

You've reduced me to tears. Bet you didn't know that. When we argued the other day and I apologised I was crying. You thought it's because I was sorry didn't you? Well it wasn't. I was crying because I miss you. I miss the way you used to be. I miss the sister who I would play 'Mum's and Dad's' with. The sister who would build 'Polly Pocket' villages with me. The sister who I made a 'show' with. Where did she go? Because the sister who is upstairs in her room right now isn't her at all. Now I get a loud, rude, obnoxious monster.

You don't even understand it. You think that what you say it the right thing. When it's not. If you don't get your own way you start another argument. Mum is fed up with it now. She just finished it with me, and now we're closer than we were.

But the way you're going I don't see the same thing happening for you two. I see you ruining your relationship with her. Because you're too selfish to see the destruction that you are causing. Just open your eyes and see. Before it's too late.

i can't help, you're on your own...

that's one of the lines in JLS' song Mary. Not only does that 7 word phrase mean exactly what it does in context, it also means so much more. Well, to me it did anyway.

When I heard that line today, it reached out to me, and I deciphered a different meaning. It's not the meaning meant in the song, way off in fact. To me, it meant, the simple 3 letter sentence. You are alone.  As simple as that. The whole line has a new meaning. No one can help you, you are on your own. In everything. No matter how many people say 'I'm here for you' They're not. Sorry to burst any bubble. But this is reality and life. And both are stuck up bitches. You are on your own, you have to work through all of life's tough times on your own. No one knows how you feel in the bottom of your heart. Or how you feel at 3am, with the covers pulled up to your chin. No one's there for you then are they? Because you are alone.

The phrase showed me, that instead of relying on everyone else to pick up the broken pieces of my life, I am the only one who can. I am alone, and I will succeed on my own, by myself.

leaves, cold, rain and coats.

so it's autumn now, a season i love so dearly. i love watching the leaves go brown on the trees, and the piles left when they fall off. the brown, red and yellow colours are so beautiful. i also love the rain at this time of year. at other times i hate it, but i love the rain in autumn. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy, and i love the way the leaves look when they are wet, the way the ground crunches under my ankle boots, the way the air feels when it's stopped raining, the clearness, the innoncence, so tranquil.

autumn also signifies much more. autumn is the run up to winter, the countdown to Christmas. the leaves start falling off mid-autumn and towards the end, leaving them brown and thin. baring all they have. showing everyone what they are made of. Halloween is in autumn too, the time for pumpkin carving, trick-or-treating, and dressing up. a time for fun. closely followed by bonfire night, fireworks and sparklers, bonfires and noise. animals running scared and frightened of the ever increasing racket blaring through windows and walls. then last but not least. Christmas.  the joy of receiving presents on Christmas morning is enough to send any child insane. the joy and wondering of what is underneath the crisp wrapping paper, the smell of Christmas dinner in the oven, and Christmas telly.



but they are still yet to come, as you look outside your window now autumn is upon us. a time of leaves, cold, rain and coats.